Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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