Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I will be naked everywhere
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
