I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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