Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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