hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
