3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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