If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
