I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
