nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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