Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
