I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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