Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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