i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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