I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
