you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
