If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
