Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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