Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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