He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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