maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
