U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
