When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How does it feel to date your dad?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
