I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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