Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
