Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
