I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
