goodnight i made you a song goodbye
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
