You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
