i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
