it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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