You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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