You're so nebulous sometimes
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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