watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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