I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
