I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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