I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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