M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
