i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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