i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize