The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
