If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
