whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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