I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
