my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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