when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
