Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
