God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
