Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
