Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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