woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
