I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
