i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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