Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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