You're my little dorito
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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