She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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