all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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