My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
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