I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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