my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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