Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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