my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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